So it's been a few months. I'm as settled as I'm ever going to be in this, not the most comfortable of situations. It is an extremely difficult thing to live and work with people you don't really know from a hole in the wall. But sometimes it is an awesome thing to be able to be a part of a situation where there are people obviously learning and growing. Until the proverbial wall is hit.
We all have the wall. The place where we refuse to move forward, or open our minds, or our hearts. Some of us are more willing to keep open hearts and open minds about certain issues.. Whether it be taking care of oneself properly, or making sure other people are taken care of.
I am exceedingly grateful to my mother at this point for having raised me the way she did, with all the little nuances of annoying bullshit that I thought were nonsense, but were really her doing the best she could to make sure I didn't turn out to be a self absorbed asshole who doesn't know how to communicate.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am an asshole. And I am selfish. But I am also one of the most caring, compassionate people you'll ever meet. I was told recently by someone I love and respect that he saw something in me that was rare in society at large. Substance.
And.. I lost my train of thought.
Not easy being a multi-tasking pothead all the time! Although, I can only speak for myself in that regard. (maybe if I recharge with some Marshmallow Fruit Loops I'll regain or at least reconfigure)
Wow. So speaking of society at large, the news was just released(on Fox of course) that Bin Ladin has been killed. I found out from facebook of course where I was mindlessly wasting time, chatting with cute boys and new friends in the Industry(the cannabis industry for those of you not paying constant wonderful attention) So much hatred and ignorance have I seen spewed there the last hour or so.. I can understand the need for justice. But it was still murder, and hate begets hatred. He did not act alone in his acts of terror-not all of them anyway. There will be repercussions from this.
Ohkayy... A million hours and a million explored tabs later. we should all be considering this:
So, I am still dealing with how to live without all the love and support that I am used to(having directly anyway.. distance is a bitch, though I know that I am still loved and have a certain measure of support should I truly need it) The living/work situation is a learning experience for sure. I am not always happy here by any means, but when are we ever happy all the time?
I have found cute boys to flirt with at least. That gives me some sort of an outlet for my frustrations(while being yanno, frustrating because boys can't help but be so, and circumstance can also be a bitch) I have also bought a gym membership to a gym I can't really afford, and can't get to often enough as it is out in west bum somewhere... But it feels great when I do actually go. If only to get out of the house/my room.
I have taken up hoolahooping and poi, although I am not a very dedicated practitioner, as is obvious from my lack of skills, creaky joints and lack of regular yoga.
I guess the biggest thing going in my life right now besides trying my best to help keep our company afloat is the editing I've been doing. It is all pretty epic and mindblowing. I followed my gut out here. I believe that however long I may be here, I am in the right place, meeting the right people and doing the right thing.
Over the winter I had been tossing a thought around in my head. I know Rick Cusick.. maybe he might have some editing that I could try my hand at, so as to branch out with my talents.. Ironically enough I gathered up the gumption to ask him just that on the same day he had been considering showing his new novel to someone(a novel that is right up my proverbial alley let me tell you) and, Rick being the amazing intuitive person that he is, cried "FATE!"
I can't even begin to describe my elation the moment I received the email not only THANKING me, but offering me my choice of projects. I danced around the house for damned near an hour. I could have exploded with happiness but gathered myself enough to reply that I was so beyond humbled that he would even consider me for one of those tasks that I couldn't even choose between them.
He told me to try my hand at all three.
I didn't know that when my brains explode glitter comes out.
Since then I have had the honor and the pleasure of being his guest at the Cannabis Cup, and also the opportunity to work the HT booth at the 40th Annual NORML conference. The Cup was a whirlwind of ridiculousness all to itself.. But the conference... I am still trying to find the words to describe how blessed I was to be in attendance. It was amazing to be in the presence of the people who have worked so hard and fought so bravely for the righteousness of the marijuana re-legalization movement. The founders. The people who have served the time, and done the research and spent the money to bring us to where we are today. It was a joy(a tearful, proud moment) to have been able to sit in on the NORML Women's Alliance Panel meeting and to hear such brave beautiful women expound upon how WE as women will change the face of this movement. Like with alcohol prohibition we will make our voices heard and end the ignorance as best we can.
One of the things spoken of on that panel was the sister to sister program (http://ssdp.org/resources/sistertosister) which I think is fantastic, having grown up having a "big sister" as a young teen, with whom I shared in some wonderful experiences. On this very panel is a woman who I hope will(& am pretty sure won't mind) be my big sister in the movement. Or at least a lifelong friend.
It has happened in the past, and I am pretty stoked it is happening now(right place right time) but I been talking lately with people about how, sometimes in life, you meet someone and you just KNOW. You know that there is some sort of ridiculously deep connection there. Whether you want to believe you knew each other in a past life, or you believe in soul mates-I believe we have oodles of soul mates. There are far too many interpersonal connections that run so very deep for this not to be true- or if you believe that you merely vibrate on the same levels... It is a pretty awesome thing to experience.
This leads me to the "old soul" theory.. If I wasn't an old soul who had been around the block a few times or so, would I still be experiencing the same levels of powerful connection with people? I honestly don't know.. & I'm not sure I think so.. Yes, we, as everything, are all connected.. But there are some of us who are obviously quite new to this. And there are some of us who just have that look in our eye. The ages are written in lines on faces too young to have been through such depth of existence...
So we wait for the end. Living through the day to day, hopefully learning our lessons, seeking out our flaws and doing what we can to evolve into something more positive.
Freedom of tangent. <~~~ I will write a poem about this.
I am looking forward to whatever the future may bring. I am finding my own capacity for understanding and compassion. Trying to keep in mind that the suffering of the moment is a temporary beast I must battle to gain strength and courage and to prepare myself for the days and months ahead. All of the past that I have been clinging to is still past, and the people I love, if they truly love me, will be there if and when I should truly have need of their support. I know that there are people who recognize my worth, my substance, my spark, and want to help me share it with the world.
When I was little they used to tell me how much potential I had. I'm going to find it.
I think that is enough brain oozings for now. Many tabs to troll before I sleep.
May we all find the motivation within ourselves to live life.